I am not perfect. No one is.
Sometimes when I am having a really hard day emotionally, I wonder how can this be happening. I write articles about how to move past this stuff, but I still have to remind myself of my own words.
You’ve heard me talk about moving beyond fear, changing what we can, letting go of what we can’t. This is hard stuff, believe me I get it.
So what do I do when I find myself living in my head, “awfulizing” the future, trying to control the things that I can’t control?
Well, first off, I allow my awareness of what I am doing to work itself into my consciousness. I have to be careful here because it is very easy to start beating myself up with that proverbial 2×4. I know better! How come I can’t practice what I preach?! I should be perfect at this, will I ever get this down perfectly?! – Hint, the answer is no – there is no perfection for any of us.
After awareness comes acceptance. Accept that I still let fear run my thoughts sometimes. Accept that I still have a long way to go on my journey. Accept that the universe still has lessons to teach me.
Accept that while I may never reach “perfection”, I am a whole lot better dealing with my fears and thoughts than I used to be. The same button pushing incident that sent me down this path this morning would have been a major crises not too long ago, but today it is just a few hours of the thought monkeys running around my head before I could manage to get them back in their cages.
So, how did I manage to cage those monkeys? By taking action. By controlling the things that I could – my thoughts, feelings, fears.
First I went deep. Why am I having these feelings? What do they mean? I kept going deeper and deeper, like peeling back the layers of an onion. What am I so afraid of? What is the deep, dark fear here?
Once I was able to put my finger on it, I pulled it out into the light and really looked at it. Was it logical? Would it really be the end of the world if the worst happened? Is this about me or how other people would perceive me?
If I was home, I would have pulled out a fear meditation and let that help me to move past it. But I am in my office today so that wasn’t possible.
Instead, I went to a file I keep in my email of inspirational things I have kept. Some our emails sent by others, some are things I have written and sent, some are just little tidbits I have picked up here and there.
I knew there was one in there that I knew would help me. It was an email I had sent to a friend when I was having a major “a-ha” moment. In it I expressed great insights into fear and love. I needed to remind myself of that moment – of what I had discovered.
If you are not journaling or keeping some kind of inspiration file, I greatly suggest you think about doing so. It is so helpful to be able to go back and read what I wrote when I finally “got it” about something. Because, nothing is linear. It’s not like we learn something and that is the end. We keep getting tested and sometimes we need a refresher course on what we learned.
Anyway, after I read what I had written, the knowing was there again. I “got it” all over again and a great sense of peace came over me.
I closed my eyes and prayed. I was able to give it over again. Right when I was done, my phone rang. All the awful things I was afraid of happening, didn’t happen. Everything is alright. But, actually, for me it was finally alright before I even picked up the phone.
So, why am I giving you a play by play of my day? Why did I decide to pull back the curtain and admit that I have problems implementing all the stuff we talk about on Serenity After Divorce?
Because I want you to know that you are not alone. Life is made up of taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but eventually you will get where you are headed.
Nobody is perfect. We all think, “okay, this time I’ve got it down” and then realize, “ah, no I don’t.
When you start getting discouraged, it’s time to look back and see where you came from. To acknowledge your progress. Only then can we truly appreciate this journey we are on – together.